Knock on Wood

Werewolves is a sequel to a movie that never existed. In lieu of a predecessor, paragraphs of on-screen expositional text (occasionally broken up, inexplicably, by a man at a computer monitor repeating much of the information we just read) inform us of what we need to know going in. If that isn’t an attention-grabbing way to start off a film, I don’t know what is.

Ironically, the exposition dump at the very beginning was what clued me into the fact that I was going to have a good time with this movie. It’s an incredibly bold choice (the first, I would come to find, of many bold choices in the subsequent 90 minutes), but it’s one that immediately establishes expectations for the kind of film you’re about to watch. I very quickly figured out that if you’re in line with the vibe those expectations deliver, you’re going to have a great time.

Among the information dumped in the opening minutes is that, one year ago, a supermoon activated a latent gene in every human being on the planet. Anyone caught in the moonlight transformed into a vicious werewolf, and millions around the world perished. Somehow, the supermoon is back the very next year, and you’d think that would give the government and people of the world more than adequate time to prepare and make sure everything is safe and secure, to minimize damage and casualties. But if they did that job correctly, there wouldn’t be a movie, would there?

To be clear, Werewolves is not a good movie, but it is a successful one. It’s filled with bizarre line readings, over-the-top acting choices, and paper-thin characters that would crumple if exposed to even the slightest bit of thematic wind. Frank Grillo (Captain America) stars as Wesley Marshall, a scientist who must protect his family amidst the unexpected (ha!) chaos of werewolf domination. Katrina Law (Arrow) and Ilfenesh Hadera (Baywatch) star alongside Grillo in some of the most thankless supporting roles I have ever seen in a modern horror movie. Then again, character isn’t exactly this movie’s focus.

Where Werewolves excels is in its visual effects. It lives up to its promise – there are a lot of werewolves, and they all look fantastic. The creatures and the transformations both look excellent because they have to. If they don’t, the entire movie doesn’t work, but they stuck the landing. It’s not as gnarly or visceral as your favorite classic werewolf films (An American Werewolf in London comes first to my mind), but that’s an impossible standard at a time when the best has already been done.

Beyond its absolutely ludicrous premise and creature design, though, Werewolves is nothing more than a generic monster movie. The rules are inconsistent, the incredibly dull protagonists’ plan seems to just be “guns,” and lens flares are used so frequently that even J.J. Abrams would slink off in defeat. However, I have to give credit where credit is due – the runtime is incredibly bearable, there are some genuinely spectacular shots (one of which appears to be a homage to the poster for Lamberto Bava’s Demons), and the creative team never took the easy way out. Making a movie that takes place almost entirely at night is not pleasant, but having action sequences in heavy rain (featuring hairy werewolves!) is insanely tricky. You should know exactly what kind of movie you’re in for. This one doesn’t require serious analysis or critical thinking. It’s just a damn fun time.

Werewolves is a straight B-movie bonanza. It struck me as very conservative (I was waiting for misguided social commentary that never came), but with a story about people using automatic weapons to fight back against murderous monsters, it’s a feature and not a bug. It would have felt right at home in the mid-1990s or 2000s, when similar low-budget pictures were produced and thrown into theaters by the dozen. Somehow Werewolves is getting a semi-wide theatrical release, so if you’re interested in seeing a chaotic monster movie that never quite nails down its serious approach to the deeply silly subject matter, Werewolves is for you. It’s extraordinarily stupid, but I had a great time.

Werewolves is playing in theaters nationwide.